Michele

“If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.”

– Thomas Szasz

I was living in a  studio apartment in Tacoma, Washington. I was 22 and nothing was going my way. I had two jobs and another one on its way. I was planing on taking the Series 6 to sell insurance for Woodbury Financial. I was a server at Jillian’s in Tacoma and also working as a host at a casino called Freddie’s.

In 2001, I was a promising young all-nude entertainer at a local gentleman’s club. It was a wonderful job. Everyday I would learn something new about myself, compliments boosted my confidence, and I had the most money I’ve ever had. I was a spiritual guru trapped in a stripper’s body.

I was listening almost exclusively to Dr. Wayne Dyer and I wanted to motivate people. I wanted to give a little happiness to the lonely. Manifest your destiny! Everything happens for a reason. You get what you give. Everything was great until it wasn’t.

I was watching the news in the early morning when I saw a plane hit the second Trade Center tower. When I arrived to work a handful of regulars filled us in on the latest news. No one really knew what was happening. All the girls were worried. Everyone was worried. When people are in fear for war or the unexpected they don’t spend money on lap dances.

The hit was catastrophic to a new dancer’s career. I panicked. Interviewed for several positions at various locations and stopped dancing. It felt like more security, but I just spread myself out too thin. I was over-worked and under-paid.

After a few months of working I became muddled with depression. Maybe it was all the rain, but whatever it was I found myself alone in my studio searching for change. I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I was 22, and I needed to do something with my life. But what? Vegas was in the back of my mind, but I didn’t want to go alone. Tormented with not knowing what to do, I tossed and turned until I heard the Lord’s voice a voice in my head. “Go to Vegas.” And that’s all the confirmation I needed.

I was on the phone with my girlfriend, Joy, the next day. I gave my noticed of leave and never looked back. It was the best thing I’ve ever done.

 << Previous           Next>>

Think of a movie any movie.

– Justin West 

<< Previous          Next >>

“People cited violation of the First Amendment when a New Jersey schoolteacher asserted that evolution and the Big Bang are not scientific and that Noah’s Ark carried dinosaurs. This case is not about the need to separate church and state; its about the need to separate ignorant, scientifically illiterate people from the ranks of teachers.”

– Neil Degrasse Tyson

When one takes the time to compare scientific evidence with the bible, the arguments for religion loses its validity. Growing up without easy access to the Internet made it difficult, but today we have Google and Wikipedia. More and more people are learning about the history of our existence and the origin of belief as our technology advances. Most religions can be looked up and researched by using the Internet.

Growing up in the 1990’s, I wanted to figure the right way to live but I didn’t have the proper access to knowledge. I assumed that there must be a god, and I sought out finding the right god instead of entertaining the idea of no-god. There is definitely a negative connotation with the association of being an atheist and I didn’t want any part of it. But when I really understood what it meant to actually be an atheist I let go of religious fear.  It took me a long time to accept that there could be no god.

I know it can be hard to understand. Looking for answers, I went to church three times a week hoping my life would change. When that didn’t work I went to psychics thinking god had a plan for me, but I wasn’t understanding exactly what he wanted me to do. I went for months until I started learning to read tarot cards myself. I read countless pseudo-scientific books. Water energy. Rock powers. Speaking in tongues. God loved me, this I knew, but as for my destiny I waited for it… crediting god for any good fortunes that would come my way.

I was scared when I let god go at first. I thought something bad would happen to me. Then I realized how dependent I was to god’s plan. The actual idea god having a plan for me. I started doing things because it was something I genuinely wanted to do instead of waiting for divine intervention. In the past I would constantly curse myself for not understanding god’s divination. I’d talk to myself a lot. Pray for help. Look for signs. Anything which wasn’t easily explainable I attributed to god. It became natural for me to believe god had a hand in everything. The weather = god, my great cup of coffee = god, traffic = god… I had forgotten what it was like without god because I had been entrenched in the idea of doing the right thing for god instead of doing things for myself. I started believing I have a plan for myself.

What an epiphany to let the idea of god go and do things because I wanted to. I was amazed by the lack of guilt I had for  just being human. I let go of the feeling of being constantly watched and I became free. I realized god didn’t make me the person I am. The people around me, the books I read, and the decisions I made defined me. The gods from my imagination were left behind and now I had room to grow.

Holy Shit. I was free.

<< Previous          Next >>

“There are ideas within Buddhism that are so incredible as to render the dogma of the virgin birth plausible by comparison.”

– Sam Harris

1998 was an amazing year. I had turned 18, got rid of the crazy boyfriend and I was going to Hawaii for a week with my mentor. Jackie was a wonderful person to invite two teenagers into her home and made it her mission to make sure I used the “vision” and “gifts” I had.

On our way to Hawaii I read a book about Buddhism provided by the airline. By the time we had landed in Hawaii I was converted. I was suppose to be a Buddhist!

Hawaii is an amazing place to visit. People from all over the world live there. The International Market place was filled with booths, many of the vendors selling similar items and they were all ready to make a deal. I got a silver ring from a fast-talking Japanese woman. Beaches are like nothing I’ve ever seen in the States. I spent a day snorkeling and being one with the fish… until an ugly one bit me. I communed with nature and paid my respects to those lost at Pearl Harbor. I was reborn. I knew I was suppose to be in Hawaii. We learned about pineapples from the Dole plantation. We had good karma.  We even picked up a hitchhiker.

In bed, I would wonder about my past lives and wonder who I would be in my next. I would attribute all of my bad luck and decisions to karma from a past self. I must have been a real asshole. But in this life I had a chance to balance my karma out. I was aware. I was enlightened.

We located a beautiful Buddhist temple with gardens and koi fish ponds. It was breathtaking. I approached the main temple building and removed my shoes. A funny thought run through my head… What if Buddha broke my camera?

Then it happened. I pointed my cheap disposable camera at the Buddha statue to take a picture.

My camera broke.

I believed something magical happened to me, but I didn’t get rid of any of my worldly possessions when I got back to the mainland. Instead I started finding meaning in meaningless things. Worst of all, I started believing other people had past lives and the reason they had bad experiences was because… you know, karma.

<< Previous          Next >>

“You believe in a book which has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd, and primitive stories; and you say that I am the one who is mentally ill?”

–Dan Barker

My friends would start calling me a devil worshiper because I had the desire to learn about pagans, magic, horoscopes and tarot cards. I really wanted to believe at the tender age of 13 I was magical. I played with the Ouija board, and it worked! I wanted to have the power of foresight. On hunches, I would predict strange things like packages arriving in the mail. My friends would be in fear if I happened to predict correctly. I thought I could have outer body experiences. I try to go into lucid dreams to fly to different realms.  I started praying to the Greek Gods.  Going through adolescence and being insecure, I would pray to the goddess Aphrodite (Venus), asking her for luck in love and beauty. I would ask Athena to give me bravery to do the right things in sports and I would pray to Jesus every once in awhile to ask for forgiveness. Each god in my world had a specialization. I liked thanking the gods. I would go to the libraries and bookshops looking for spell books. I’d learn of the mother, maiden and the crone, Wicca, candle magick and other assorted occult specializations.  Superstition also ran deep into my thoughts. I always thought positive about everything because I believed positive things would manifest. New Age.

I didn’t openly express my beliefs because I didn’t identify with being any single type of religion. I did say stupid things like “blessed be,” “all is one,” and “God only gives you as much as you can take.” I believed I was a spiritual person. I read The Celestine Prophecy and ate my vegetables slow, I read Linda Goodman’s Star Signs and believed while I slumbered we spoke in numbers.

You can imagine how destructive this thought process was for a teenager, but I carried it with me into my mid twenties. It didn’t help that the people who I was hanging out with believed in the same spiritual voodoo. Constantly, I would meet people who believed they could sense evil spirits on people. One friend believed they were born with a black veil on their face… whatever that means. It was most unfortunate for her because she had a mother telling her she was evil throughout her entire life. My neighbor read tarot cards and my palm.  A strange world I found myself. My boyfriend at the time even had a tattoo of Mary Magdalene on his chest.

Surrounded by religious Juju and superstitious fervor, I found myself searching for more answers.

<< Previous          Next >>

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” 
— Stephen Roberts

I didn’t wake up one morning and decide I was an atheist.

I have countless journals where I have written about enlightenment, soul searching and prayers. I blamed my imperfections and my bad luck on the crimes I created within my mind and I thanked God for all the good things he sent me. Years I would spend, searching for a sign to show me who to become. I was meant for something great. My imaginary friend would give me advice about relationships, what to order for dinner and a myriad of ways to save other people. Especially their souls. I thought I could see auras, sense if a person was bad, a drug addict or had the healing touch. God would bring me all I needed and… everything happened for a reason.

I spent most of my twenties thinking I knew all the answers. Like most twenty year old people I trusted in God’s plan. I wasn’t always like this. Growing up, I did not have a predominate religion to follow. My mother was kind of a Catholic, while my dad showed absolutely zero interest in any religion (and I am so grateful for that). My mom would pray to a little plastic statues of  saints while my dad played computer games.

The teachings of Christ weren’t where I learned how to be a virtuous person. Ultima 4: Quest of the Avatar taught me to be a virtuous person. Ultima 4 is a role playing game in which you become a virtuous warrior, bard or wizard. If you do anything bad, like steal or lie or kill the innocent, you lose part of your virtue. It sucked when you lost your virtue. You would have to repeat good deeds and in order to beat the game you would have to be a virtuous player. Needless to say, there was a lot of saving and reloading.

Christ would be introduced later with a Snickers.

Next >>